Depression: Scene Three

Continued From Depression: Scene Two

It’s been 10 hours of really good sleep
You wake up but nothing has changed
How can that be? You just needed rest
If anything the darkness is worse
The chaos is so loud it’s all you hear
How much longer can a person endure this?

Thanks for reading,
J9

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Depression: Scene Two

(Continued from Depression: Scene One)

There is so much chaos in your head
If you could just get the noise to shut up
Maybe things would make sense
Darkness surrounds you, you are so weary.
You just want to sleep. Yes! That’s it sleep that will help
It will all be better after a few hours of good sleep.

Thanks for reading
J9

Continuing story

Depression: Scene One

There are others in this scene
Yet you seem all alone
You don’t understand your part
You have a hard time communicating
You know you’re here, yet something isn’t right.

Thanks for reading,
J9

To be continued: This will be ongoing for several scenes.

MY TANGLED MIND

In my tangled mind
It’s hard to focus
So many thoughts running wild
The chaos so loud, I can’t concentrate
It’s hard to solve anything
If my mind would just be quiet
I could untangle and work on each issue
They are all under one umbrella
But where do I start
It’s like the chicken and the egg
I think it’s this problem, then that
Then I’m so confused
I get overwhelmed
I can’t function
So nothing gets solved
In my tangled mind

I wrote this several months ago in the darkest part of my illness.

Thanks for reading,
J9

THE BROKEN TOOTH

Have you ever broken a tooth or had one pulled? I’ve had many pulled but they were always in inconspicuous places. Last night my lateral incisor tooth broke off almost completely. I was horrified. I went from having a really good day to being mortified.
Now you might be thinking yes, bad for a few days but just go to the dentist and get it fixed. Well here lies the problem. I am petrified of the dentist. I go into a meltdown on the way there. That was before I was in crazy town. I don’t even want to think about how it would be now. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. So I did everything I could to clean this ugly rotting hole. Still, no good I just wanted to cry more.
As I’ve been thinking about this small tooth, I think about how one tiny thing can change our whole outlook on our day, week, month or life sometimes.
I’m not saying I will let this tooth change my whole life but I think you understand what I mean.
This is exactly how disorders start, we find a flaw or at least we think it is a flaw and we dwell on it until it consumes our life and nothing else matters.
I know this very well from experience with my eating disorder.
What I still haven’t learned is how to let it completely go and heal. I struggle with ed everyday. The more my weight climbs the more I want to restrict. It’s not logical, but eating disorders are not logical. Except to us that have them.
I’m working really hard today to not be totally depressed and crawl in bed. Because now I feel like a fat pig and have this ugly hole in my mouth and don’t want to smile or talk.

So, I’ve been trying to follow my mirror work from treatment. “May I love and accept myself exactly as I am”
Very tough to do.

Thanks for reading,
J9

BEING AFRAID

Something happened to me this evening and it made me start thinking about how we all handle fear differently. I am the first one to admit I’m a scaredy cat.(As they used to call it when I was in school). I do not like someone jumping out and scaring me. Or backing me in a corner.
Since I have been in crazy town everything has intensified by a thousand. If I get too scared I will have a panic attack or a meltdown.

This evening caught me off guard, it was something so silly.
However, I realized later why it scared me so much. It reminded me of something from a scary movie from my past and I have never been able to watch those kind of movies since.

I was so scared I had to go find my husband and just sit in his lap for a while. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was on the side of the finger rubbing, rocking back and forth,
breathing fast. You know the signs, that a meltdown or panic attack is coming.

I always hate admitting my fears. I don’t sleep well at night. One of the biggest reasons is my fear of the dark. Again it is so much worse since I’ve been sick.

I wonder if anyone else deals with these fears or others and how you cope with them? Please share if you feel comfortable.

Thanks for reading,

J9

WHAT CAN WE LEARN?

When I first went to crazy town I could not see anything that I could learn from it.
I could not see how there could be anything positive I could take from it.
I never asked why me, that is not me. I have never questioned God. I don’t believe God gave these horrible illnesses to me. But, I believe for some reason he has allowed me to have them for a time. Or maybe for life.

He tells us in his word there are things we can learn or take from all of our trials.
I truly did not believe that at the beginning of this.
Now, several years later I can see positive things.
I’m not the judgmental person I was before my illness. I try very hard to not judge at all. It’s not my place. That took me way too long to learn.

I have also become a kinder person, I believe, I’m more empathetic to people in all walks of life.

I,like many, was very arrogant first thinking it could never happen to me because I was strong . And that people got themselves into most of their situations and if they really wanted they could get out of them.
I’m embarrassed to even admit this to anyone who is reading this.
I have often wondered if my illnesses are punishment for the way I was. I have asked forgiveness for my ways to God and to as many as I have been able to go back to.

I think another good thing that has come from this is that maybe I can help others who struggle with Agoraphobia, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, Depression,and Eating Disorders. If nothing else I can let them know they are not alone and I’m there for them.

I pray for all of those out there suffering from any kind of mental illness. I think we are often overlooked the most and listened to the least. When sometimes we are the ones who are the least able to speak up for ourselves. Don’t give up on yourselves, there is help out there and there are so many of us who care.

God Bless,
J9