THE RABBIT HOLE

I feel like I’m sliding down the rabbit hole again
Slowly slipping, slipping, slipping
I didn’t even realize it was happening
Then BAM!! It hit me I was falling

It seems that’s how it always goes
That’s the really scary part
You never seem to really know
It’s happening till you’re
So far down you need a rope
To pull you back out

Life support, help from outside
How do I always seem to miss the signs
It just sneaks up on me

Maybe I just don’t want to face
That I’m headed down that path again
So I ignore the feelings and tuck them away

You are slowly putting on your mask
That part you don’t even realize you’re
Taking part in either
That’s the odd part about mental illness

Your mind can play so many tricks on you
You have like little compartments
I’m each compartment you keep
Different emotions, feelings, thoughts
Ideas, fear, anger, happiness, love,
Hate, sadness, anxiety, panic

Then you never allow those compartments to come open
At the same time. That’s when chaos happens and the walls
Come tumbling down. Everything breaks down.
The mask goes on and you go down the rabbit hole

Often never to come back out again
Because how many times can you go down the hole
Before it’s to hard to climb back out and start over.
It takes so much work to work through all the compartments
Empty them and make them stay open and not allow
Them to close again, you have to rid yourself of all those
Negative things that are in those compartments.
You need to make sure they are filled with good and happy things
Which is why it takes so much work and is hard.
It’s a daily struggle. Some make it, some just slide back in the hole.
Never to see above ground again.

 

Thanks for reading,

J9

Why don’t you understand?

We go through this all the time
You’re just too sensitive
I walk around on egg shells
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to handle you

With all your issues I never know
With all your issues I can’t judge
With all your issues I’m not sure
Yes, I’m mentally ill
I didn’t ask for this
I don’t mean to be too sensitive
It’s part of the illness
I’m sorry it’s disrupting your life
I don’t know what you mean
I don’t know what you’re saying
I don’t know how to judge
Because that part of my brain no longer works
Because I’m mentally ill

You run and hide
It doesn’t solve anything
It only makes things worse
We’ll just make up by tomorrow
So fix it now and don’t run away

I’m mentally ill
When I’m hurting all I know
Is I need space
I don’t know it’s going to be alright
Tomorrow may be worse than today

This is just stupid to run off and not solve the problem
Will you ever understand I don’t think like normal people
My brain no longer works properly
It’s fight or flight
I don’t like fighting so I flee.

I’m sorry my my illness has made your life so hard
My illness has made my life hard too, every single day
Every single hour, every single minute
You see you can get away from me
I have no choice but to stay.

Thanks for reading,

J9

 

I WANT TO REMEMBER

I want to remember when I’m tempted to restrict, because I never want to go back.

I want to remember what a struggle each and every day was, when I’m tempted
to restrict.

I want to remember what I did to my body and how close I came to killing myself without even knowing, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the scared look on my husbands face just before I checked in, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the joy on his face everyday I succeeded, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the tears in my mother-in-laws voice when I called her and told her I was moving to the night program and that I was at a stable weight, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember all those who have supported me and given me hope when I had none, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the smiles and unconditional love that I get from my granddaughters, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember all of these things, when I’m tempted to restrict. Because I have so much to live for.

Thank you for reading,
J9

I wrote this almost 2 years ago when I was in treatment for my eating disorder. I have taken out the names for privacy sake otherwise it remains the same.

THEY SAY

Two steps forward
Three steps back
That’s how it feels
In this world of crazy

They say….

You’re the one who
Misunderstands
Never gets things or hears things right
Because you’re crazy

They say…

You’re too sensitive
Blow things out of proportion
Get upset over nothing
No one to blame but yourself

They say….

If you would just be more normal
Don’t think like you do
Just answer a simple question
Make it easier for us

They say….

You could if you’d just try
Quit being you and reading into it
Quit being you and forget it
Quit being you and get over it

They say…

Quit being you and be normal
Quit being you and be quiet
Quit being you and put the mask back on
Then I can be me again and live like I want.

Thanks for reading,

J9

Depression: Scene Six

Continued From Depression: Scene Five

Darkness engulfs you
A mask completely covers your face
You are no longer you
Just the shell of who you were
The mask and the shell
Depression has won

Thank you for reading,
J9

I wrote this 6 scene series because I felt like so many could relate to it. Also to let you know you are not alone. There are others who are or have been there. However, there is help and that is where the light is.

Depression: Scene Four

Continued from scene three:

Everyday waking up in the same darkness
You start to question your sanity
Night time is the worst
You hear voices oh so faint
Are they real? Or just in your head?
You can’t share with anyone
They will think you’re crazy
So you pull away a little more

Thanks for reading,
J9