THE FOUR HOUR CALL

 

The darkness is trying to settle over me like a soft blanket
Trying to fool me with its softness, but I’ve been here before
I’m trying to keep my head out, I hang on to twinkle lights
If there is still some light I won’t be completely gone.
It’s hard fighting the darkness, he comes every 4 hours
He try’s to turn off my twinkle lights, I have to beat him to them
Switch them off and on fast and then I’m safe for 4 more hours.
If I fall asleep when he comes then it’s over.
I will be back where I was in total darkness, a hell called madness

Thanks for reading,

J9

IF THEY COULD SEE INSIDE

Being seen
Letting people in
Bearing your soul
Your inner thoughts

Your fears, your hurt
All that you think
Everything you are
Everything you feel

Your most private
Your most terrifying
Your most dark
Disturbing thoughts

Nothing hidden
Everything turned inside out
Will they be appalled
Shocked, horrified

Will they hate you
Be disgusted
Be disappointed
Will they walk away

They may lock you up
Call you insane
Say you’re too dark
No hope for you

Better be safe
Don’t let them see
All of the monsters
That live in your head

They aren’t ready for this
They may never be
For crazy is too scary
For the normal to see

Thanks for reading,

J9

THE FEAR OF THINGS

 

Flying, driving, crowds, noise
It’s been coming on slowly all day
You’ve been fighting what seems like a war
It’s paralyzing, terrifying
You try to stay in control
You don’t want to make a scene
It’s winning you don’t have the energy to fight
You can’t breathe, you can’t move
The tears start to trickle down your cheek
Your whole body starts to shake
The demon, panic has been released
You try desperately to reign it back in
To no avail this time you’ve lost the battle.
Next time you will be stronger.

Thanks for reading,

J9

October 22,2016
I wrote this after having a major meltdown as our plane left San Antonio, Texas. I haven’t been able to fly sinceĀ I came to crazytown. This was my return trip home.

 

WILL I ALWAYS BE THIS WAY?

Will I always feel this way?
Just balancing between sane and insane
I go for several weeks feeling great
Then it starts creeping in like an unwelcome guest
First just a sadness off and on
Then fear, helplessness, anxiety
Always looking around, afraid to be alone

Now I hear the oh so faint sounds or voices
That only I can hear
No one sees the things that scare me half to death
I talk to very few about it because what will they think?
I’m so afraid to go down this path again.

I’m starting to have multiple meltdowns a day now
Needing more rest and quiet to get through the day
My head is more confused.

What has changed? Why is this happening?

I try to put on the mask but even that is too hard
Because the tears come and I can’t stop them

Will I continue to have bigger set backs every time
I move forward and am doing so good?
Is this how mental illness works?

I try to have a good attitude and say this is my
Life and we will take it one day at a time
But sometimes it’s so hard when you don’t know
How you are going to be when you wake up.

Thanks for reading,
J9

MONSTERS AT NIGHT

I’m afraid of the dark
Yes, me a grown woman
I’ve never liked the darkness
But, the fear came with crazy town

I can’t rest well I can’t go to bed
I sleep every other night
Because I’m so exhausted I can rest
It’s not ideal but the monsters stay away

People ask what’s so scary
It’s hard to explain
Unless you have lived through it
It’s just spine tingling scary

You can’t see what’s out there
You don’t know what’s out there
In crazy town your mind says
Anything and everything could be lurking
Just outside your door, window, or under your bed

You can tell your mind to be quiet
But, it is louder than you are
And haunts you till the darkness goes away
And daylight chases away the monsters

Then you’re safe for a few hours
Before the darkness returns
With your deepest fears

Thanks for reading,
J9

ME, MYSELF & HER

We are all in one
But we are not one
We are not multiples
We are simply mentally ill

Some days one cries all day
Other days one faces the world triumphantly
Then another day one hides behind her mask

It’s not a perfect way we live
Being mentally ill rarely is

We pray to be well someday
Knowing it means two of us will leave
With the third left to cope
It scares us thinking of being alone

Who will carry the mask?
Who will fight off the darkness?
Who will face the demons?
Who???

Thanks for reading,
J9

Depression: Scene Six

Continued From Depression: Scene Five

Darkness engulfs you
A mask completely covers your face
You are no longer you
Just the shell of who you were
The mask and the shell
Depression has won

Thank you for reading,
J9

I wrote this 6 scene series because I felt like so many could relate to it. Also to let you know you are not alone. There are others who are or have been there. However, there is help and that is where the light is.