I WANT TO REMEMBER

I want to remember when I’m tempted to restrict, because I never want to go back.

I want to remember what a struggle each and every day was, when I’m tempted
to restrict.

I want to remember what I did to my body and how close I came to killing myself without even knowing, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the scared look on my husbands face just before I checked in, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the joy on his face everyday I succeeded, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the tears in my mother-in-laws voice when I called her and told her I was moving to the night program and that I was at a stable weight, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember all those who have supported me and given me hope when I had none, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the smiles and unconditional love that I get from my granddaughters, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember all of these things, when I’m tempted to restrict. Because I have so much to live for.

Thank you for reading,
J9

I wrote this almost 2 years ago when I was in treatment for my eating disorder. I have taken out the names for privacy sake otherwise it remains the same.

Advertisements

Depression: Scene One

There are others in this scene
Yet you seem all alone
You don’t understand your part
You have a hard time communicating
You know you’re here, yet something isn’t right.

Thanks for reading,
J9

To be continued: This will be ongoing for several scenes.

MY TANGLED MIND

In my tangled mind
It’s hard to focus
So many thoughts running wild
The chaos so loud, I can’t concentrate
It’s hard to solve anything
If my mind would just be quiet
I could untangle and work on each issue
They are all under one umbrella
But where do I start
It’s like the chicken and the egg
I think it’s this problem, then that
Then I’m so confused
I get overwhelmed
I can’t function
So nothing gets solved
In my tangled mind

I wrote this several months ago in the darkest part of my illness.

Thanks for reading,
J9

HOW I FEEL

I was having a conversation with my friend tonight. We were talking about how young my Mom was when she had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy. She was about 23-24. Back then they didn’t just remove the breast they removed the breast bone too a very deep scar.
My Mom and Dad set a very good example for me and my 2 siblings. They showed us how something very tough and devastating can be treated with care and love. They had one of the most amazing relationships I have ever seen. When my Dad passed away at the age of 53 from lung cancer they had been married almost 35 years.

Talking about all of this tonight made me really start to think about my eating disorder. How I am so embarrassed about my body because I feel like such a fat pig. And I just can’t understand how my husband can still desire me.

But, thinking about how my parents got past what some have not been able to do.And not only did they get past it but had a very loving intimate relationship.

This makes me realize I need to try to look at myself differently and trust my love for my husband and his love for me of 37 years. And work toward a healthier attitude of my body.

Thanks for reading,
J9

THE BROKEN TOOTH

Have you ever broken a tooth or had one pulled? I’ve had many pulled but they were always in inconspicuous places. Last night my lateral incisor tooth broke off almost completely. I was horrified. I went from having a really good day to being mortified.
Now you might be thinking yes, bad for a few days but just go to the dentist and get it fixed. Well here lies the problem. I am petrified of the dentist. I go into a meltdown on the way there. That was before I was in crazy town. I don’t even want to think about how it would be now. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. So I did everything I could to clean this ugly rotting hole. Still, no good I just wanted to cry more.
As I’ve been thinking about this small tooth, I think about how one tiny thing can change our whole outlook on our day, week, month or life sometimes.
I’m not saying I will let this tooth change my whole life but I think you understand what I mean.
This is exactly how disorders start, we find a flaw or at least we think it is a flaw and we dwell on it until it consumes our life and nothing else matters.
I know this very well from experience with my eating disorder.
What I still haven’t learned is how to let it completely go and heal. I struggle with ed everyday. The more my weight climbs the more I want to restrict. It’s not logical, but eating disorders are not logical. Except to us that have them.
I’m working really hard today to not be totally depressed and crawl in bed. Because now I feel like a fat pig and have this ugly hole in my mouth and don’t want to smile or talk.

So, I’ve been trying to follow my mirror work from treatment. “May I love and accept myself exactly as I am”
Very tough to do.

Thanks for reading,
J9

BEING AFRAID

Something happened to me this evening and it made me start thinking about how we all handle fear differently. I am the first one to admit I’m a scaredy cat.(As they used to call it when I was in school). I do not like someone jumping out and scaring me. Or backing me in a corner.
Since I have been in crazy town everything has intensified by a thousand. If I get too scared I will have a panic attack or a meltdown.

This evening caught me off guard, it was something so silly.
However, I realized later why it scared me so much. It reminded me of something from a scary movie from my past and I have never been able to watch those kind of movies since.

I was so scared I had to go find my husband and just sit in his lap for a while. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was on the side of the finger rubbing, rocking back and forth,
breathing fast. You know the signs, that a meltdown or panic attack is coming.

I always hate admitting my fears. I don’t sleep well at night. One of the biggest reasons is my fear of the dark. Again it is so much worse since I’ve been sick.

I wonder if anyone else deals with these fears or others and how you cope with them? Please share if you feel comfortable.

Thanks for reading,

J9

WHAT CAN WE LEARN?

When I first went to crazy town I could not see anything that I could learn from it.
I could not see how there could be anything positive I could take from it.
I never asked why me, that is not me. I have never questioned God. I don’t believe God gave these horrible illnesses to me. But, I believe for some reason he has allowed me to have them for a time. Or maybe for life.

He tells us in his word there are things we can learn or take from all of our trials.
I truly did not believe that at the beginning of this.
Now, several years later I can see positive things.
I’m not the judgmental person I was before my illness. I try very hard to not judge at all. It’s not my place. That took me way too long to learn.

I have also become a kinder person, I believe, I’m more empathetic to people in all walks of life.

I,like many, was very arrogant first thinking it could never happen to me because I was strong . And that people got themselves into most of their situations and if they really wanted they could get out of them.
I’m embarrassed to even admit this to anyone who is reading this.
I have often wondered if my illnesses are punishment for the way I was. I have asked forgiveness for my ways to God and to as many as I have been able to go back to.

I think another good thing that has come from this is that maybe I can help others who struggle with Agoraphobia, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, Depression,and Eating Disorders. If nothing else I can let them know they are not alone and I’m there for them.

I pray for all of those out there suffering from any kind of mental illness. I think we are often overlooked the most and listened to the least. When sometimes we are the ones who are the least able to speak up for ourselves. Don’t give up on yourselves, there is help out there and there are so many of us who care.

God Bless,
J9