THE RABBIT HOLE

I feel like I’m sliding down the rabbit hole again
Slowly slipping, slipping, slipping
I didn’t even realize it was happening
Then BAM!! It hit me I was falling

It seems that’s how it always goes
That’s the really scary part
You never seem to really know
It’s happening till you’re
So far down you need a rope
To pull you back out

Life support, help from outside
How do I always seem to miss the signs
It just sneaks up on me

Maybe I just don’t want to face
That I’m headed down that path again
So I ignore the feelings and tuck them away

You are slowly putting on your mask
That part you don’t even realize you’re
Taking part in either
That’s the odd part about mental illness

Your mind can play so many tricks on you
You have like little compartments
I’m each compartment you keep
Different emotions, feelings, thoughts
Ideas, fear, anger, happiness, love,
Hate, sadness, anxiety, panic

Then you never allow those compartments to come open
At the same time. That’s when chaos happens and the walls
Come tumbling down. Everything breaks down.
The mask goes on and you go down the rabbit hole

Often never to come back out again
Because how many times can you go down the hole
Before it’s to hard to climb back out and start over.
It takes so much work to work through all the compartments
Empty them and make them stay open and not allow
Them to close again, you have to rid yourself of all those
Negative things that are in those compartments.
You need to make sure they are filled with good and happy things
Which is why it takes so much work and is hard.
It’s a daily struggle. Some make it, some just slide back in the hole.
Never to see above ground again.

 

Thanks for reading,

J9

JUST A TUNE-UP

Going back to treatment
It’s nothing bad to need help
Or to be ashamed of

It’s just a tune-up
We all can use one from time to time
I mean us
The broken, emotionally sick
The mentally ill

Our mind is hurting again
We’re overwhelmed
Completely beat down
It’s hard out there

We need the safety of the group
The camradery
People who get us
Without even a word spoken

Allowing you to share your feelings
Your most private thoughts and fears
Knowing they will understand
Knowing they will hold you up
Knowing someone listened

These are your people
They are your kindred spirits
Because unlike anyone else
They have lived in this chaos
Surrounded by Darkness
Wearing their masks
They’ve cried the tears
They’ve screamed in pain

Yet they sit beside you
Holding your hand
Telling you it’s going to be okay
While they’re dying inside
Hoping to make it another day

Thanks for reading,
J9

I just finished my 3rd time as an outpatient in a treatment center. Before I went in my Aunt told me to look at it as a tune-up. I can’t tell you how much that helped me. I shared that with others and it seemed to help them too. 😊

GOING IN CIRCLES

How often have you been on this journey of mental illness
Going down the road thinking “I’ve overcome a lot of barriers
I’ve also had my share of rocky roads.”

But, you still thought you were heading in the right direction

Only to find out you were going in circles?

This is the place where we realize our mind is not always our friend
It’s where we need to find a good support system
Help to guide us through the darkness, and the shadows
Alone we get turned around without even realizing it.

It creeps up on us so slowly we are not
Aware until we are in crisis mode
Then it’s too late we are too overwhelmed
To seek the help we need.

Walking this journey with support is extremely hard and scary
Walking it alone might be what keeps us on the dark path
Or an even darker one, DEATH!

Thanks for reading,
J9

THEY SAY

Two steps forward
Three steps back
That’s how it feels
In this world of crazy

They say….

You’re the one who
Misunderstands
Never gets things or hears things right
Because you’re crazy

They say…

You’re too sensitive
Blow things out of proportion
Get upset over nothing
No one to blame but yourself

They say….

If you would just be more normal
Don’t think like you do
Just answer a simple question
Make it easier for us

They say….

You could if you’d just try
Quit being you and reading into it
Quit being you and forget it
Quit being you and get over it

They say…

Quit being you and be normal
Quit being you and be quiet
Quit being you and put the mask back on
Then I can be me again and live like I want.

Thanks for reading,

J9

CASTING THE FIRST STONE

Before I cast a stone
I hope I remember
Everyone has a story

Before I judge their motives
I hope I remember
I can’t read minds

Before I exchange harsh words
I hope I remember
Maybe their day has been bad too

Before I walk away hurt
I hope I remember
I’ve hurt others too

Before I start my day
I hope I remember
To be respectful to everyone

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want to be heard

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want respect

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want to be believed

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want kindness

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
You could be us

Thanks for reading,
J9
It’s hard to have a mental illness. It’s even harder to have those who don’t listen or who make light of it. On the other hand I catch myself not being very patient with those who aren’t mentally ill and I need to not be judgmental with them. Or I am no different than those who make it hard for us.

Gallery

FORGIVENESS

Letting go of the past
All the pain and hurt
Throw away the journals
Erase the iPad

But, the memories still remain
Every word, every act against you
Like it was yesterday
Cutting like a knife

You want it gone
It only brings darkness
Chaos and fear
Loneliness and isolation

You’ve been told what to do
Easier said than done
Let it go and forgive him
Or he’s the one who wins

Thanks for reading,
J9

MONSTERS AT NIGHT

I’m afraid of the dark
Yes, me a grown woman
I’ve never liked the darkness
But, the fear came with crazy town

I can’t rest well I can’t go to bed
I sleep every other night
Because I’m so exhausted I can rest
It’s not ideal but the monsters stay away

People ask what’s so scary
It’s hard to explain
Unless you have lived through it
It’s just spine tingling scary

You can’t see what’s out there
You don’t know what’s out there
In crazy town your mind says
Anything and everything could be lurking
Just outside your door, window, or under your bed

You can tell your mind to be quiet
But, it is louder than you are
And haunts you till the darkness goes away
And daylight chases away the monsters

Then you’re safe for a few hours
Before the darkness returns
With your deepest fears

Thanks for reading,
J9