Depression: Scene Six

Continued From Depression: Scene Five

Darkness engulfs you
A mask completely covers your face
You are no longer you
Just the shell of who you were
The mask and the shell
Depression has won

Thank you for reading,
J9

I wrote this 6 scene series because I felt like so many could relate to it. Also to let you know you are not alone. There are others who are or have been there. However, there is help and that is where the light is.

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Depression: Scene Five

Continued From Depression: Scene Four

Each day the darkness surrounds you more
Till you feel like a tiny little speck.
You begin to be suspicious of everyone
You wonder if there is anyone you can trust
People look at you different now
So you pull away just a bit more

Thanks for reading,
J9

Depression: Scene Four

Continued from scene three:

Everyday waking up in the same darkness
You start to question your sanity
Night time is the worst
You hear voices oh so faint
Are they real? Or just in your head?
You can’t share with anyone
They will think you’re crazy
So you pull away a little more

Thanks for reading,
J9

Depression: Scene One

There are others in this scene
Yet you seem all alone
You don’t understand your part
You have a hard time communicating
You know you’re here, yet something isn’t right.

Thanks for reading,
J9

To be continued: This will be ongoing for several scenes.

MY TANGLED MIND

In my tangled mind
It’s hard to focus
So many thoughts running wild
The chaos so loud, I can’t concentrate
It’s hard to solve anything
If my mind would just be quiet
I could untangle and work on each issue
They are all under one umbrella
But where do I start
It’s like the chicken and the egg
I think it’s this problem, then that
Then I’m so confused
I get overwhelmed
I can’t function
So nothing gets solved
In my tangled mind

I wrote this several months ago in the darkest part of my illness.

Thanks for reading,
J9

THE BROKEN TOOTH

Have you ever broken a tooth or had one pulled? I’ve had many pulled but they were always in inconspicuous places. Last night my lateral incisor tooth broke off almost completely. I was horrified. I went from having a really good day to being mortified.
Now you might be thinking yes, bad for a few days but just go to the dentist and get it fixed. Well here lies the problem. I am petrified of the dentist. I go into a meltdown on the way there. That was before I was in crazy town. I don’t even want to think about how it would be now. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. So I did everything I could to clean this ugly rotting hole. Still, no good I just wanted to cry more.
As I’ve been thinking about this small tooth, I think about how one tiny thing can change our whole outlook on our day, week, month or life sometimes.
I’m not saying I will let this tooth change my whole life but I think you understand what I mean.
This is exactly how disorders start, we find a flaw or at least we think it is a flaw and we dwell on it until it consumes our life and nothing else matters.
I know this very well from experience with my eating disorder.
What I still haven’t learned is how to let it completely go and heal. I struggle with ed everyday. The more my weight climbs the more I want to restrict. It’s not logical, but eating disorders are not logical. Except to us that have them.
I’m working really hard today to not be totally depressed and crawl in bed. Because now I feel like a fat pig and have this ugly hole in my mouth and don’t want to smile or talk.

So, I’ve been trying to follow my mirror work from treatment. “May I love and accept myself exactly as I am”
Very tough to do.

Thanks for reading,
J9

BEING AFRAID

Something happened to me this evening and it made me start thinking about how we all handle fear differently. I am the first one to admit I’m a scaredy cat.(As they used to call it when I was in school). I do not like someone jumping out and scaring me. Or backing me in a corner.
Since I have been in crazy town everything has intensified by a thousand. If I get too scared I will have a panic attack or a meltdown.

This evening caught me off guard, it was something so silly.
However, I realized later why it scared me so much. It reminded me of something from a scary movie from my past and I have never been able to watch those kind of movies since.

I was so scared I had to go find my husband and just sit in his lap for a while. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was on the side of the finger rubbing, rocking back and forth,
breathing fast. You know the signs, that a meltdown or panic attack is coming.

I always hate admitting my fears. I don’t sleep well at night. One of the biggest reasons is my fear of the dark. Again it is so much worse since I’ve been sick.

I wonder if anyone else deals with these fears or others and how you cope with them? Please share if you feel comfortable.

Thanks for reading,

J9