WILL I ALWAYS BE THIS WAY?

Will I always feel this way?
Just balancing between sane and insane
I go for several weeks feeling great
Then it starts creeping in like an unwelcome guest
First just a sadness off and on
Then fear, helplessness, anxiety
Always looking around, afraid to be alone

Now I hear the oh so faint sounds or voices
That only I can hear
No one sees the things that scare me half to death
I talk to very few about it because what will they think?
I’m so afraid to go down this path again.

I’m starting to have multiple meltdowns a day now
Needing more rest and quiet to get through the day
My head is more confused.

What has changed? Why is this happening?

I try to put on the mask but even that is too hard
Because the tears come and I can’t stop them

Will I continue to have bigger set backs every time
I move forward and am doing so good?
Is this how mental illness works?

I try to have a good attitude and say this is my
Life and we will take it one day at a time
But sometimes it’s so hard when you don’t know
How you are going to be when you wake up.

Thanks for reading,
J9

Advertisements

I WANT TO REMEMBER

I want to remember when I’m tempted to restrict, because I never want to go back.

I want to remember what a struggle each and every day was, when I’m tempted
to restrict.

I want to remember what I did to my body and how close I came to killing myself without even knowing, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the scared look on my husbands face just before I checked in, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the joy on his face everyday I succeeded, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the tears in my mother-in-laws voice when I called her and told her I was moving to the night program and that I was at a stable weight, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember all those who have supported me and given me hope when I had none, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember the smiles and unconditional love that I get from my granddaughters, when I’m tempted to restrict.

I want to remember all of these things, when I’m tempted to restrict. Because I have so much to live for.

Thank you for reading,
J9

I wrote this almost 2 years ago when I was in treatment for my eating disorder. I have taken out the names for privacy sake otherwise it remains the same.

JUST A TUNE-UP

Going back to treatment
It’s nothing bad to need help
Or to be ashamed of

It’s just a tune-up
We all can use one from time to time
I mean us
The broken, emotionally sick
The mentally ill

Our mind is hurting again
We’re overwhelmed
Completely beat down
It’s hard out there

We need the safety of the group
The camradery
People who get us
Without even a word spoken

Allowing you to share your feelings
Your most private thoughts and fears
Knowing they will understand
Knowing they will hold you up
Knowing someone listened

These are your people
They are your kindred spirits
Because unlike anyone else
They have lived in this chaos
Surrounded by Darkness
Wearing their masks
They’ve cried the tears
They’ve screamed in pain

Yet they sit beside you
Holding your hand
Telling you it’s going to be okay
While they’re dying inside
Hoping to make it another day

Thanks for reading,
J9

I just finished my 3rd time as an outpatient in a treatment center. Before I went in my Aunt told me to look at it as a tune-up. I can’t tell you how much that helped me. I shared that with others and it seemed to help them too. 😊

GOING IN CIRCLES

How often have you been on this journey of mental illness
Going down the road thinking “I’ve overcome a lot of barriers
I’ve also had my share of rocky roads.”

But, you still thought you were heading in the right direction

Only to find out you were going in circles?

This is the place where we realize our mind is not always our friend
It’s where we need to find a good support system
Help to guide us through the darkness, and the shadows
Alone we get turned around without even realizing it.

It creeps up on us so slowly we are not
Aware until we are in crisis mode
Then it’s too late we are too overwhelmed
To seek the help we need.

Walking this journey with support is extremely hard and scary
Walking it alone might be what keeps us on the dark path
Or an even darker one, DEATH!

Thanks for reading,
J9

THEY SAY

Two steps forward
Three steps back
That’s how it feels
In this world of crazy

They say….

You’re the one who
Misunderstands
Never gets things or hears things right
Because you’re crazy

They say…

You’re too sensitive
Blow things out of proportion
Get upset over nothing
No one to blame but yourself

They say….

If you would just be more normal
Don’t think like you do
Just answer a simple question
Make it easier for us

They say….

You could if you’d just try
Quit being you and reading into it
Quit being you and forget it
Quit being you and get over it

They say…

Quit being you and be normal
Quit being you and be quiet
Quit being you and put the mask back on
Then I can be me again and live like I want.

Thanks for reading,

J9

CASTING THE FIRST STONE

Before I cast a stone
I hope I remember
Everyone has a story

Before I judge their motives
I hope I remember
I can’t read minds

Before I exchange harsh words
I hope I remember
Maybe their day has been bad too

Before I walk away hurt
I hope I remember
I’ve hurt others too

Before I start my day
I hope I remember
To be respectful to everyone

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want to be heard

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want respect

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want to be believed

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
We just want kindness

Before you start your day
I hope you remember
You could be us

Thanks for reading,
J9
It’s hard to have a mental illness. It’s even harder to have those who don’t listen or who make light of it. On the other hand I catch myself not being very patient with those who aren’t mentally ill and I need to not be judgmental with them. Or I am no different than those who make it hard for us.

Gallery

FORGIVENESS

Letting go of the past
All the pain and hurt
Throw away the journals
Erase the iPad

But, the memories still remain
Every word, every act against you
Like it was yesterday
Cutting like a knife

You want it gone
It only brings darkness
Chaos and fear
Loneliness and isolation

You’ve been told what to do
Easier said than done
Let it go and forgive him
Or he’s the one who wins

Thanks for reading,
J9