My road from darkness:

My first realization something was going bad was back in the summer of 2009, some really hard things had happened in our life. Because of the situation I don’t feel I can talk about it. Suffice it to say it started a downhill spiral in my life that I thought I may never recover from.  I’m still not sure if I will ever totally be well

As things continued to go  downhill. I got very good at hiding my true feelings from everyone. Even my best friend, my husband. I would cry just about anytime I was alone. By that third year I was no longer there just my mask firmly in place pretending everything was fine. I really didn’t know how ill I was till March of 2012. I was driving down the highway and thought I could just hit a tree or a pole and it would be over and the pain would be gone. My next thought was what about my husband and kids and that God would never forgive me. Then I thought I need to get some help before I came to this place again and I  don’t think anything except I want to die. It took me another month to finally tell my husband how bad I was. He was amazing and helped me find help. While at the same time feeling horribly guilt ridden that he hadn’t seen it.

We found someone and I started therapy. That was in May 2012. By June 2012 we started a diet for my migraine headaches that had gotten so bad I couldn’t hardly function. As I started losing weight on this diet I realized it was so easy that if I just skipped a meal I could lose weight even faster. I had no idea the path I was heading down.

By October 2013 I was down to 99 lbs and severely malnourished. I checked into an eating disorder treatment center in outpatient I was there 11 hours a day 7 days a week. It was the worst experience of my life. My anxiety just got worse and after 10 weeks I quit. I had gained some weight back and was no longer malnourished but I still had a severe eating disorder.  My husband and I tried to handle things on our own. There were no other places to go either because of insurance or they wouldn’t take me. I was once again able to start seeing my long time therapist. After my second visit I found out he was quitting the practice he was with and going private and not taking insurance. I was devastated. That sent me even further into depression and into restricting. I didn’t want to go to anyone after that. I was done. My story doesn’t stop here. But for this blog I’m going to stop. I would like to tell my story in stages and then get feedback from others that have gone through the same thing or are going through it now.  My whole reason for telling my story is to maybe help others or learn something from someone else. We are all on this journey called life and if we can help each other  by giving encouragement or hope what a great gift.

Thanks for reading,

J9

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