THE RABBIT HOLE

I feel like I’m sliding down the rabbit hole again
Slowly slipping, slipping, slipping
I didn’t even realize it was happening
Then BAM!! It hit me I was falling

It seems that’s how it always goes
That’s the really scary part
You never seem to really know
It’s happening till you’re
So far down you need a rope
To pull you back out

Life support, help from outside
How do I always seem to miss the signs
It just sneaks up on me

Maybe I just don’t want to face
That I’m headed down that path again
So I ignore the feelings and tuck them away

You are slowly putting on your mask
That part you don’t even realize you’re
Taking part in either
That’s the odd part about mental illness

Your mind can play so many tricks on you
You have like little compartments
I’m each compartment you keep
Different emotions, feelings, thoughts
Ideas, fear, anger, happiness, love,
Hate, sadness, anxiety, panic

Then you never allow those compartments to come open
At the same time. That’s when chaos happens and the walls
Come tumbling down. Everything breaks down.
The mask goes on and you go down the rabbit hole

Often never to come back out again
Because how many times can you go down the hole
Before it’s to hard to climb back out and start over.
It takes so much work to work through all the compartments
Empty them and make them stay open and not allow
Them to close again, you have to rid yourself of all those
Negative things that are in those compartments.
You need to make sure they are filled with good and happy things
Which is why it takes so much work and is hard.
It’s a daily struggle. Some make it, some just slide back in the hole.
Never to see above ground again.

 

Thanks for reading,

J9

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THE FOUR HOUR CALL

 

The darkness is trying to settle over me like a soft blanket
Trying to fool me with its softness, but I’ve been here before
I’m trying to keep my head out, I hang on to twinkle lights
If there is still some light I won’t be completely gone.
It’s hard fighting the darkness, he comes every 4 hours
He try’s to turn off my twinkle lights, I have to beat him to them
Switch them off and on fast and then I’m safe for 4 more hours.
If I fall asleep when he comes then it’s over.
I will be back where I was in total darkness, a hell called madness

Thanks for reading,

J9

IF THEY COULD SEE INSIDE

Being seen
Letting people in
Bearing your soul
Your inner thoughts

Your fears, your hurt
All that you think
Everything you are
Everything you feel

Your most private
Your most terrifying
Your most dark
Disturbing thoughts

Nothing hidden
Everything turned inside out
Will they be appalled
Shocked, horrified

Will they hate you
Be disgusted
Be disappointed
Will they walk away

They may lock you up
Call you insane
Say you’re too dark
No hope for you

Better be safe
Don’t let them see
All of the monsters
That live in your head

They aren’t ready for this
They may never be
For crazy is too scary
For the normal to see

Thanks for reading,

J9

THE FEAR OF THINGS

 

Flying, driving, crowds, noise
It’s been coming on slowly all day
You’ve been fighting what seems like a war
It’s paralyzing, terrifying
You try to stay in control
You don’t want to make a scene
It’s winning you don’t have the energy to fight
You can’t breathe, you can’t move
The tears start to trickle down your cheek
Your whole body starts to shake
The demon, panic has been released
You try desperately to reign it back in
To no avail this time you’ve lost the battle.
Next time you will be stronger.

Thanks for reading,

J9

October 22,2016
I wrote this after having a major meltdown as our plane left San Antonio, Texas. I haven’t been able to fly sinceĀ I came to crazytown. This was my return trip home.

 

Slipping Out

It’s always right there
Waiting backstage in your mind
Ready to run out and ruin the show

You know some of the signs
You can stop it before it starts

But other times it’s lurking in the darkness
And comes out without warning
Hits you like a ton of bricks
And you’re down for the count

It has so many faces and costume changes
You can’t keep up and you get overwhelmed
You wonder how you allowed it out again

Sometimes you can get control pretty quickly
Other times it takes center stage
And takes top billing for weeks, even months

Before you know it you’re no longer in the play
All that’s left is scattered masks and empty costumes

Thanks for reading,
J9

Hard Lesson

His words cut me to the core
Terrible words spoken
Behind my back to others
My heart broken

For I thought we were friends
How could a friend, brother
Call me a judgemental
Heartless, gossip…

I mourned for many years
I went from hurt to anger
Back to hurt again

After several years
I understood the anger and pain
Came from realizing he was right
Everything he had said was true

I had a talk with him the other day
Told him my hurt and pain
Then I apologized for my behavior
And asked for his forgiveness

I forgot one thing, I also should have thanked him
For he was part of helping me become
A better person, that I hope to be one day

Thanks for reading,
J9
This is dedicated to my Brother in law whom I love and wish I had talked to years
earlier and made things right.

Why don’t you understand?

We go through this all the time
You’re just too sensitive
I walk around on egg shells
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to handle you

With all your issues I never know
With all your issues I can’t judge
With all your issues I’m not sure
Yes, I’m mentally ill
I didn’t ask for this
I don’t mean to be too sensitive
It’s part of the illness
I’m sorry it’s disrupting your life
I don’t know what you mean
I don’t know what you’re saying
I don’t know how to judge
Because that part of my brain no longer works
Because I’m mentally ill

You run and hide
It doesn’t solve anything
It only makes things worse
We’ll just make up by tomorrow
So fix it now and don’t run away

I’m mentally ill
When I’m hurting all I know
Is I need space
I don’t know it’s going to be alright
Tomorrow may be worse than today

This is just stupid to run off and not solve the problem
Will you ever understand I don’t think like normal people
My brain no longer works properly
It’s fight or flight
I don’t like fighting so I flee.

I’m sorry my my illness has made your life so hard
My illness has made my life hard too, every single day
Every single hour, every single minute
You see you can get away from me
I have no choice but to stay.

Thanks for reading,

J9